FREE ESSAY ON THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY

THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY

The Importance of Family
It has been said that It takes a village to raise a child. I guess the trick would be to
find a village of people you would want to help you to raise your children. It would
require a group of people with values and standards similar to your own. It is possible
to find such a group in a church, if you belong to one, or among your friends, if you
have a wide enough circle. However, an extended family is the village that has been
responsible for the raising of children for generations in the past.
My extended family includes my mother, two sisters and their families, my husband's
parents, five brothers and their families. My daughters have four uncles, five aunts and
twelve cousins living in California. An extended family, if you are lucky enough to have
one, usually shares many values and is willing to help see that these values are passed
on to the children.
Some of the values my family holds in common include a strong work ethic, respect for
other people, the value of education and modesty in dress and action. My father-in-law is
a great example. He has had two careers and is still working. He retired after 20 years
with the Air Force, earned a Master's Degree in education, taught school and worked in
junior high school administration for 20 years and is now a Master Teacher. He supervises
new teachers as they fulfill student teaching requirements for their credentials. He is
also a successful (selling) artist with work in a cooperative gallery as well as an usher
at the Sacramento Community Center Theater in his spare time. He has been married to the
mother of his sons for 44 years. He passed on his values to those sons. They all have
successful careers in technology, management or entertainment. Most have one or more
degrees and a happy marriage. These values are being passed on to the grandchildren as
well. They are expected to do their best in school and follow rules about the clothes
they wear, where and how they spend their time and whom they spend it with. When my
daughters complain about our rule that they are not allowed to date until they are 16, I
tell them to call any of their cousins and check with them about what their rules are. 
There are several advantages for us, as parents, to maintaining close family
relationships. There are the obvious advantages of built-in babysitters and people to ask
for advice. Less obvious advantages include reinforcement, edification, perspective and a
wide pool of life examples.
Our extended family members share our standards and values and reinforce the lessons and
rules we set for our children. My mother-in-law has a great sense of fashion. She has
helped my daughters develop good judgment about dress and make-up. They are modest in the
clothes they choose to wear. It is a relief, as a mother, to be spared a fight with them
over what they call hoochie clothes. When they go to their grandparents' house after
school on Thursday, my father-in-law, Papa to them, supervises their homework. They have
to complete it before they are allowed to watch TV or play video games. He makes sure
they do a thorough job of it as well. There is never any doubt where their priorities
should lie.
Much of the strength of our family relationships is based on an elusive concept called
edification. Edification, in this context, is the building up of one person by another.
When our daughters were growing up, we showed respect to their grandparents, aunts and
uncles, and made it clear that they were to do the same. We demonstrated that their
relatives had value in our lives. We often asked my in-laws for advice and let the girls
know that we were doing this and following some of what we were told. We were asked for
advice as well, so our daughters saw that our opinions were valuable to their
grandparents. When the time came that our daughters started to challenge our authority
and question our standards, we knew we could count on our relatives to reinforce us to
them. We edified our family so that they, in turn, could give that edification back to
us. My mother-in-law has said many times, You should listen to your Mom, she knows what
she is talking about. She only wants what is best for you.
When our daughters spend time with our parents and siblings they get a perspective of us
as children. They realize that we were not always as they know us. We did have a life and
were not always so boring. I believe that our daughters benefit from hearing the stories
of the times when their dad and mom were growing up. They hear the kind of harmless
trouble we got into, the consequences of our actions and the rules and standards that
were set for us. They like to be able to identify with their parents as children who went
through many of the same trials and tribulations they are going through. 
Another benefit to our children of hearing about the mistakes we made and trouble we got
into as children is that we have more credibility with them when we give them advice
about issues like boyfriends, drugs, alcohol and hanging out with the wrong people. I
told them why I started smoking marijuana and why I stopped. I told my daughters about
the joint someone, who I thought I could trust, gave me that was laced with something
that would make it better. I wasn't aware of the enhancement and had a very bad
experience. My husband told them about the crowd of people he hung out with for a while.
When these friends started to get into behavior (crime) that he was uncomfortable with,
he stopped seeing them. They taunted him but he stuck to his guns. Most of them are now
in prison or on parole. My daughters have heard my sister's stories about drinking too
much and spending the night bowing to the great God Porcelain. I told them about
situations with boys I got into unintentionally, how I got out and why I was glad I did.
When we let our children know about blunders we have made and the regrets we have, we
give them the chance to learn the lessons without having to make the same mistakes.
One of the greatest advantages of large families is the wide variety of relationships
available to all the people in the group. Grandparents are a great resource. They have
the advantage of a wider experience of the world in general and child rearing in
particular. Sometimes when an issue comes up, we, as parents, don't know where we stand.
This is where family is helpful. When my oldest daughter wanted to go to her first
concert with her best friend, my initial motherly reaction was, No way! My husband and I
had attended several concerts when we were first married, and we remembered the trouble
there was with people drinking too much beer. There were fights and we were concerned
that she could get caught up in a situation that she could not handle. We talked to my
father-in-law about it. He reminded us that we would have to let her start learning to
handle tricky situations, with proper supervision. We told her she could go if she had a
body guard. Fortunately, her best friend's father was willing to go with them. The
situation was resolved to the satisfaction of all parties and she had a good time.
Another purpose of the grandparents is to spoil the grandchildren. This they can do and
yet not undermine the parents. When my daughters visit their grandmother, they get
undivided attention because they are there only one day a week. The love and acceptance
is unconditional. Papa knows the answer to their homework, makes them find the answer the
hard way and really wants them to learn but they also know that he loves them very much
and only wants them to have the greatest opportunities possible. If they say they need
something, he will move heaven and earth to make sure they get it.
My daughters are very lucky to have four uncles who live nearby. They are all very
different; some are serious, some are fun-loving and like to joke around. Girls form
their ideas about men from the examples they have around them. My daughters have examples
of men who are hardworking, educated, loving and committed to their families. My
husband's brothers' favorite pastime is to watch sports on TV and argue about the details
of the game. When we all get together, especially during football season, all five
(including Papa) sit around watching whatever game is on. They love to start arguing
about a call or strategy. They will all stand together shouting, good naturedly, their
views about the issue at hand. The little kids like to get in the middle and join in.
They don't really hear most of what the others are saying and never come to a resolution.
That's not the point anyway. They just love to spend the time together. We women love to
watch, and laugh at, the interaction. 
My daughters also have valuable relationships with their aunts. The rapport they have
with one in particular is very important to them. They talk to her more like a
contemporary rather than an elder. They feel they can talk to her about issues that they
would feel uncomfortable discussing with any other adult in their lives. They know she is
an adult with wider experience and knowledge but is not judgmental. We know she holds the
same values we do and trust her to give advice in line with those standards.
There are also lots of cousins, some of whom they like and some they don't. However, they
learn from interacting with them. They learn how to relate to people of all ages (the
cousins range in age from 17 years to newborn). The older cousins like to go off together
and talk. There is something special about talking to people they have known all their
lives and with whom they share family ties. It is like having a larger group of siblings
without the rivalry. One of the aunts started what she calls the Double Digit Club. When
a child reaches the age of 10, all the Double Digits get to have a slumber party at her
house. All the children look forward to that magic age when they get to be a big kid. 
These kinds of ties will be valuable, as the grandchildren get older. At some point, they
will be left only with each other and their families. The grandparents will die and we
children will be the grandparents. We will help our children pass along to their children
the values and standards we have passed to them. We will spoil our grandchildren and yet,
not undermine the parents. We will give them undivided attention and our love and
acceptance will be unconditional. We will give advice and ask advice. We will continue to
be the extended family, the village to raise the child.